Random Vacation Observations

I recently returned from a family trip that included visits to Glacier National Park in Montana, Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, and Devils Tower National Monument (also in Wyoming), along with several other places. I offer some random thoughts inspired by this trip:

• Whoever invented portable DVD players is a genius and should be hailed as such.
• Why do people leave the lids up on outhouse toilets? Is it a practical joke to torture the next user?
• I think Montana has more variations on license plates than all other states combined. If you see a license plate that looks unfamiliar, it’s probably one of the Montana varieties.
• Whoever invented “trail mix” is a genius and should be hailed as such.
• Who takes small children (under the age of seven) on a hike of 7.5 miles with a 1,600 foot climb? I don’t know, but I saw some.
• State parks that charge more than national parks (yet offer no running water) are not my favorite things in the world.
• National Parks that charge $1 per piece for firewood are not my favorite things in the world.
• When traveling, it’s nice to have hand sanitizer available, especially if you use the pit toilets in that one rest stop in that one town in Montana. You might wanna take a bath in the stuff if you visit that one.
• When driving through a parking lot, it’s a good idea to watch where you’re going, rather than looking at license plates in your quest to get all 50 states. I’m not saying I hit anything, but only that at one point I realized I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going and could’ve regretted it. Side note: We did manage to get 48 states, including Hawaii (on a camper at Devils Tower) so maybe it was worth almost running into that one car.
• When your wife refers to a spoon as a “pencil,” you know she needs more sleep.
• When your son pours sugar (instead of salt) on his potato chips in a restaurant, you know he’ll probably never make that mistake again.
• It’s embarrassing when your wife realizes the “Dew Drop Inn” is a play on words, and you respond, “Oh wow…I never realized that, either!”
• If you enjoy traffic jams and being surrounded by legions of people, I recommend Yellowstone National Park.
• Yellowstone: if the sulfur smell doesn’t get you, the exhaust fumes will.
• Traipsing around a national park when it’s 38 degrees Fahrenheit and alternating between rain and snow (on your “summer” vacation) isn’t much fun.
• Trying to sleep in a tent when it’s below freezing (on your “summer” vacation) isn’t much fun. At least you can warm up by the campfire with all that wood you bought at the last park. Oh wait—there’s a burning ban…
• If you buy the book “Death in Yellowstone,” read it after you leave the park.
• A great way to have fun with annoying gawkers in Yellowstone is to pull over, get out your cameras and binoculars, and pretend to see something.
• My hometown has the cheapest gas of pretty much any place I’ve ever travelled.
• Devils Tower: yet another example of white guys messing up a name. Apparently some guy got the native words for “devil” and “bear” mixed up.
• Not only did the white guys mess up the name, they left off the apostrophe and decided to leave it that way, so it’s “Devils,” not “Devil’s.” My family and I were referring to it as “God’s Tower” anyway, because the devil is a jerk and doesn’t deserve to have cool things named after him. Now we just call it “Bear Lodge,” because that’s what the natives call it. Bears are okay if they don’t attack you.
• Whoever invented hotels with water parks is a genius and should be hailed as such.
• I like the West, and not just because of the 80 mph speed limit (although that’s a big part of it).
• Trips are okay, but there’s no place like home.